I have decided that all I can do is be honest about what I am feeling and thinking. So many of you tell me that you think I am strong - and I will be first to tell you, my strength is only from the Lord. My flesh is broken and weak. I am a mother without her baby to hold and I have quickly realized that there is no earthly strength that is strong enough to get me through this on my own. All I can do is praise God that He is the lifter of my head and that He is near to the brokenhearted during this time.
Yesterday, I was a mess. I could not get over how empty I felt. I look at my stomach and cry... not because my clothes don't fit or because I'm not skinny... but because its empty. One month ago today, I was 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I could feel his little feet pressing up against my ribs and feel his little body jump when he had the hiccups. I could push against my belly and pat his butt.
One month ago, I was carrying Luke.
More than anything, I loved being pregnant with him. There is something so incredibly special about the bond between a mother and her unborn baby. Luke was my best friend. For nine months, we liked the same foods, listened to the same music, shopped online at our favorite stores and went everywhere together. He was a part of me, a God-formed miracle that was as important to my life as my very own heartbeat. Even though at the time I had never met him, I knew him and he knew me. I talked to him about Jesus and sang praise and worship songs to him in the car. He heard my jokes and knew I was funny (even funnier than his daddy!). He knew my voice and he knew I loved the Lord and that I loved him and prayed for him everyday. I only carried him for nine months but I felt like I had been his mother for my entire life.
Today, I cannot feel Luke with my hands. I cannot pick him up and hold him in my arms... and even though I know he is with Jesus, I miss him. I really miss him.
No words could ever explain how deep the void is in my heart. I have tasted of the sweetest joy that God gives on this Earth and it has left me with an insatiable hunger that cannot be filled.
However, no matter how much I hurt now - my pain is nothing compared to what I felt when I stood over my baby with his arms and legs turning black from lack of circulation. It is a mere sting compared to the deep ache I had when I saw his face in pain. Unless you saw Luke in the hospital, you will never fully comprehend just how sick our little boy was. As much as my arms ache for him, I have peace in knowing that the Lord knew best. I am not mad. I am not bitter. I cry for my own selfishness of dreams and hopes for my son that will never come to pass in this life. My grief is in my flesh and my spirit shouts with joy that my little boy is healed. I praise the Lord that I "do not have to grieve as those who have no hope" (1 Thess. 4:13-14 -- thank you Jesus!)
I am so thankful for all of the prayers and comments people have sent. Please know we read every one of them. There is no way we could respond to them all. There have been so many people who have helped pray us through this and we are so thankful. I am especially thankful for one person that God placed in my life that has been my source of strength every day. They have been there to hold me and cry with me when I felt like my world was falling apart and I can honestly say, I would not be able to do this without them. I would like to take the opportunity to thank that very special person who I know will be reading this...
Benson Sexton... I have never loved you more. In the midst of the worst days of our lives, I have fallen in love with you all over again. You will never fully understand how your love has held me together during the past few weeks. You are so much more than my husband and father to our baby boy - you are my rock, my anchor and my very breath with I cannot breathe on my own. We have stood beside our baby's bed and beside his casket in the very same week. No one (especially you) deserves to experience such intense pain. So many of my tears are because I hurt for you. I hurt for all the UK games you wanted to take Luke to, all the songs you would have sang to him, all the laughs I would have had watching you change his diaper for the first time. I am so sorry that the three of us will never share those memories together on this Earth. Thank you for being such a man of God and for loving Him even more than you love me. Thank you for being everything I ever dreamed of and more in a husband and best friend. Thank you for being the most incredible dad to Luke and for praying and singing over him even when it was hard. I know the Lord is going to fulfill every promise to us and I absolutely cannot wait to be blessed alongside you. I am so proud to be your wife and your partner in ministry. I love you now and will always love you no matter where life takes us.
From then (our first picture together...)
Our wedding.. (08.09.08).
Our family... the Sexton 3.
Please continue to pray for us, especially as we seek the Lord's direction for our lives and our ministry. Even in the dark times, God is still God and He is always good. He is speaking so much into our hearts and He is so close to us now in our brokenness. I can't wait to share all the things He is speaking to us. We are blessed.
-- Kristin
You and your family are in me and my families prayers. Your hurt breaks my heart, your spirit gives me peace in knowing during every hard time, God really is there.
ReplyDeleteGod Bless you Kristin. I can't begin to understand your pain. I read your words & my heart simply breaks for your loss. Luke was a very special boy to have such a special Mommy. You will always be his Mommy! Love & prayers always <3
ReplyDeleteYour family has been such a blessing to us all. Though the coming days will be trying, you can be joyful in the fact that Luke's story will touch lives all over the world. I know he has touched us. Stay strong in the Lord. He always provides.
ReplyDeleteKristin, I can't even begin to tell me how much the story of the Sexton 3 has blessed my life. I will continue to lift you and Benson up in my prayers. You are both such amazing examples of how the Lord can work, even in the worst of times. Love you both, and God bless.
ReplyDeleteWe think of you both often and still admire you so much for your courage and strength. I can't even imagine the feelings you experience, but the way you handle them is amazing to me. Praying for you both...
ReplyDeleteKrissy and Dale
I love you. Still praying for you every day.
ReplyDeleteI cannot even begin to imagine the hurt you feel in your heart. You are two of the strongest people I know to have gone through all that you have and still praise God as you do. My heart aches for your loss, but I'm grateful that little Luke is in a better place. Please let me know if I can be of assistance to you in any way.
ReplyDeleteHi Kristin, I just wanted you to know that I am one more person praying for you guys. Your faith in the Lord is truly inspiring, and my life has been blessed immensely by Luke's story. I know that He has incredible blessings in store for you because you have been obedient and full of faith in the ONLY One who can heal and restore. What a jewel you are in His eyes. I am a heart mom as well, and even though our family has seen a few rough times, I cannot even begin to imagine the road you have travelled. I pray you continue to lay in His arms and feel His presence and love every moment of every day. Much love...
ReplyDeleteI understand exactly where you are right now...the emotions seem to rise quickly and spill over so fast. Feeling lost, empty, shock, devestation ~ the bitterness of not being able to hold your child in your arms and the unsurpassing love that you still feel will never go away. The grief doesn't subside, or get better...one learns to tolerate it a bit more some days than others. It is like a roller coaster that slows and speeds up, whipping you around curves, lifting you out of your seat and you just have to hold on tight. Grief can never be described as linear because it is 'all over the place.'
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry that you are 'here' right now. I wish with all my heart that you could have your baby boy with you. As a mother who lost a child to HPLHS and other problems, I have lived through the agony of the research, the choices, the planning...holding a lifeless child in my arms.
Prayer helps me through and I will be praying for you too. I hope that you feel God's love surrounding you, covering you like a blanket. I pray that His goodness is tangible to you and that those who love you never say the 'wrong' things in an attempt to comfort you.
Kristin and Benson...I think of you everyday and wonder what you are doing, how you are feeling, what you will do from here. In all of this, I am reminded of your faith and obedience and it strengthens me in the petty issues I have in my own life. Thank you for taking the time to post updates, as hard as it is for you to do. I have no doubts God will richly bless you, but I also know you are suffering greatly at this time. I love you all and will continue in my prayers for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm moved every time I read this blog and amazed at your transparency as you share your journey. You both inspire me to live more of a hope-filled and honest life on a day to day basis. Praying that even the tiniest moments of peace and joy will be multiplied for you in the days and years to come.
ReplyDeleteKristen-
ReplyDeleteThanks for your open honesty. There is nothing more inspiring than witnessing a woman who is hurting in the "flesh" take comfort in the the arms of the Lord. I pray your story, and Luke's life will continue to bless others in your immediate community and around the world.
I made something to send for you guys to keep. I sent a friend request on facebook but wasn't approved?!?! Not sure if you guys got the request or not. If you have a address where I can send the gift you can email me at
ReplyDeletescottysgirl4life@gmail.com
I am so sorry for your lose. I recently May, 17th gave birth to twins, one of which was still born. Even though i still have a son, i lost another and i hurt not only for my husband I but for my son that will never know his brother.You story is amazing and it helps me to know i am not the only one going though this. someone told me about a poem and we placed this on our sons gravestone..hope it helps. Gos Bless-Tosha jabberjaws151@yahoo.com
ReplyDeleteThe Tiny Rosebud God Picked to Bloom in Heaven
The Master Gardener
from heaven above
Planted a seed
in the garden of love,
And from it there grew
a rosebud small
That never had time
to open at all.
For God in His perfect
and all-wise way
Chose this rose
for His heavenly bouquet,
And great was the joy
of this tiny rose
To be the one our Father chose
to leave earth's garden
For one on high
where roses bloom always
And never die.
So, while you can't see
your precious rose bloom,
You know the great Gardener
from the upper room
Is watching and tending
this wee rose with care,
Tenderly touching
each petal so fair.
So think of your darling
with angels above,
Secure and contented
and surrounded by love,
And remember God blessed
and enriched your lives, too,
For in dying your darling
brought heaven closer to you!
Kristin-
ReplyDeleteFrom one mother to another, I know the grief of losing a child is so hard to describe and impossible to compare with the joy of knowing they are safe in His arms. While cognitively we know that there is no better place for them, our hearts can feel stronger than our minds when our arms feel so empty.
I found your story through a facebook friend and know some of Benson's family (Blue) and I think and pray for you often. I have started a support group in Somerset for bereaved parents through the March of Dimes and part of our goal is to educate the community about pregnancy and infant loss and to support other parents through loss. If you would like, please feel free to join us sometime. You can contact me to learn more about it.
Many Prayers and Big Hugs.
Kristin honey my heart breaks to pieces for you both daily. I was thinking yesterday about your beautiful smile...I hope there is still some small something daily that makes it shine through your grief. I love you and I pray for peace and comfort for you both. Love, Mindy Hayes
ReplyDeleteYou are continually in my prayers. Remember Jesus has already experienced your pain. God will always be there to hold you up when you feel like you can't go on. You don't have to be strong on your own because God is your strength.
ReplyDeleteGOD BLESS YOU
I have learned not to read your posts at work-it brings tears to my eyes to read of your pain, your hope and your faith in God. I cannot imagine losing a child. As a mom, there is no way to explain the love you feel for your child. It is so different, unique and all consuming from the other loves in your life. Kristin, your honesty in your pain and grief is so refreshing and touching. Your ability to speak out your faith through your pain is so powerful. Thank you for sharing your most painful journey in life with us-it is a blessing. . . Luke's life was and will always be a blessing.
ReplyDeleteKristen and Benson, not being a parent myself there is absolutely NO way I can imagine the pain you feel in the loss of your precious Luke. However, my heart aches for you darling two! Been reading your blog from the beginning but just getting back to it this morning after a few days away from a computer, your pix stunned me to immobility! I am a Clintonian, have heard much about The Sexton's over the years but your youth knocked me completely off my props. You two are simply amazing yunguns! Such eloquent, loving, God-filled inspirational postings. I pray that God wraps you in his loving care as you learn how to cope with the loss of precious Baby Luke, that you are blessed with another child really soon (I pray daily for healing of my impatience!)and that He uses each of you for His glory. Despite never meeting you, your story has been a blessing to so many. Thanks for taking time to share it publicly. May God richly bless you both.
ReplyDelete