I have decided that all I can do is be honest about what I am feeling and thinking. So many of you tell me that you think I am strong - and I will be first to tell you, my strength is only from the Lord. My flesh is broken and weak. I am a mother without her baby to hold and I have quickly realized that there is no earthly strength that is strong enough to get me through this on my own. All I can do is praise God that He is the lifter of my head and that He is near to the brokenhearted during this time.
Yesterday, I was a mess. I could not get over how empty I felt. I look at my stomach and cry... not because my clothes don't fit or because I'm not skinny... but because its empty. One month ago today, I was 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I could feel his little feet pressing up against my ribs and feel his little body jump when he had the hiccups. I could push against my belly and pat his butt.
One month ago, I was carrying Luke.
More than anything, I loved being pregnant with him. There is something so incredibly special about the bond between a mother and her unborn baby. Luke was my best friend. For nine months, we liked the same foods, listened to the same music, shopped online at our favorite stores and went everywhere together. He was a part of me, a God-formed miracle that was as important to my life as my very own heartbeat. Even though at the time I had never met him, I knew him and he knew me. I talked to him about Jesus and sang praise and worship songs to him in the car. He heard my jokes and knew I was funny (even funnier than his daddy!). He knew my voice and he knew I loved the Lord and that I loved him and prayed for him everyday. I only carried him for nine months but I felt like I had been his mother for my entire life.
Today, I cannot feel Luke with my hands. I cannot pick him up and hold him in my arms... and even though I know he is with Jesus, I miss him. I really miss him.
No words could ever explain how deep the void is in my heart. I have tasted of the sweetest joy that God gives on this Earth and it has left me with an insatiable hunger that cannot be filled.
However, no matter how much I hurt now - my pain is nothing compared to what I felt when I stood over my baby with his arms and legs turning black from lack of circulation. It is a mere sting compared to the deep ache I had when I saw his face in pain. Unless you saw Luke in the hospital, you will never fully comprehend just how sick our little boy was. As much as my arms ache for him, I have peace in knowing that the Lord knew best. I am not mad. I am not bitter. I cry for my own selfishness of dreams and hopes for my son that will never come to pass in this life. My grief is in my flesh and my spirit shouts with joy that my little boy is healed. I praise the Lord that I "do not have to grieve as those who have no hope" (1 Thess. 4:13-14 -- thank you Jesus!)
I am so thankful for all of the prayers and comments people have sent. Please know we read every one of them. There is no way we could respond to them all. There have been so many people who have helped pray us through this and we are so thankful. I am especially thankful for one person that God placed in my life that has been my source of strength every day. They have been there to hold me and cry with me when I felt like my world was falling apart and I can honestly say, I would not be able to do this without them. I would like to take the opportunity to thank that very special person who I know will be reading this...
Benson Sexton... I have never loved you more. In the midst of the worst days of our lives, I have fallen in love with you all over again. You will never fully understand how your love has held me together during the past few weeks. You are so much more than my husband and father to our baby boy - you are my rock, my anchor and my very breath with I cannot breathe on my own. We have stood beside our baby's bed and beside his casket in the very same week. No one (especially you) deserves to experience such intense pain. So many of my tears are because I hurt for you. I hurt for all the UK games you wanted to take Luke to, all the songs you would have sang to him, all the laughs I would have had watching you change his diaper for the first time. I am so sorry that the three of us will never share those memories together on this Earth. Thank you for being such a man of God and for loving Him even more than you love me. Thank you for being everything I ever dreamed of and more in a husband and best friend. Thank you for being the most incredible dad to Luke and for praying and singing over him even when it was hard. I know the Lord is going to fulfill every promise to us and I absolutely cannot wait to be blessed alongside you. I am so proud to be your wife and your partner in ministry. I love you now and will always love you no matter where life takes us.
From then (our first picture together...)
Our wedding.. (08.09.08).
Our family... the Sexton 3.
Please continue to pray for us, especially as we seek the Lord's direction for our lives and our ministry. Even in the dark times, God is still God and He is always good. He is speaking so much into our hearts and He is so close to us now in our brokenness. I can't wait to share all the things He is speaking to us. We are blessed.