Happy 3 months little man!

Today is Luke's 3 month birthday...

Tonight I will read Luke the book, "You Are Special" by Max Lucado. It was a special book given to us by Tricia. (Thanks Aunt T!).

Right after Luke was born, my whole family sat around and talked about every inch of him. One of our most favorite things about him were his sideburns. Not one of us had ever seen a baby with sideburns like Luke. He had thicker sideburns than most men do. Thus, the nickname..."little man" came to be. Every time my dad stood over Luke, he would call him little man.

You can kinda see his sideburns in this picture.

I'd like to share with you a song that has stolen my heart. It is my song for my sweet boy, my little man.

Sweet Luke, oh how Mommy and Daddy miss you. The world is such an empty place without you here. It's hard to think about how I am supposed to be packing up your newborn clothes and taking you over to your Papaw's every morning...how you should be going to your first birthday party this weekend - your cousin Crit is turning one...how you should be pulling Rylie's hair and keeping me up every night. I hope that you know that you were everything I had ever dreamed of. God did not make a single mistake with you Luke. You were perfect. You are perfect...and Heaven is so much sweeter now that you are there. I am so proud to be your mommy. Sweet dreams, little man...We all love you so so so much.

Pray for Ewan

I can't believe its been a week since I posted last. I promise I will do better guys. I will post again later...but there is something more important that needs our attention right now.

So, most of you know by now that Benson and I are big on praying for babies with CHD. After our experience with Luke, we understand and know too well what these families and babies are going through. They are desperate for prayer...and we serve a God who is ABLE.

Last night, through my fellow heart mom and friend Megan, I learned about sweet baby Ewan (pronounced you-win). He has an extreme case of Tetralogy of Fallot. It is not the same heart defect as Luke - but is a very serious CHD.

Here is a picture of sweet little Ewan from his mommy's blog.

Ewan had a very rough night last night. I don't know all the details but I do know that they had to do a very serious emergency surgery to keep him alive. His mommy and daddy thought they were losing him. :( Now he is on ECMO (a scary word that we all know too well). Please pray for him and his family today. The doctors aren't giving them much hope - they need a miracle.

Nothing is impossible with God.

You can read more about Ewan and his family at http://www.team-ewan.com/.

The peace of God.

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:7

I received a beautiful email that gave me such amazing insight to the verse. I just had to share. Thank you Donna!

So many people who have lost children, spouses or anyone they love often struggle with the concept of having "peace from God." We lay awake at night...wondering and questioning, Why? What if?

Phillipians 4:7 is a verse that I am very familiar with. It was given to me many times while I was in the hospital with Luke. It is what I like to call, a feel-good verse that you read when you need to be uplifted.  I remember reading it many times thinking...okay, good verse...got it, thanks.

However, the email I got the other day opened my eyes to a piece of the Scripture that I had never really understood the significance of...

"the peace of God, which passeth all understanding..."

There are often times that I get caught up with wanting to understand why this happened to me...to us...to Luke. I have reasoned that it was not of God's character to inflict illness upon Luke or suffering upon my family (see post)...and that is something that I believe very strongly. However, I am still human and I still wish there was some answer, some closure to the question...why?

However, there is a peace that comes from God...not just a peace that gives us rest or a warm feeling inside...not just a peace that lifts us up and carries us in our darkest times. It is a peace that goes beyond - that passes - our own understanding.

In the words of my friend Donna...

"The peace of God is not in our understanding--it is passed it. Greater than! God's peace is not something we have once in a while, or when things are going great. Peace in our hearts keeps our spiritual blood flowing! God's peace is with us through it all!"

How true.

When we are in a season of questioning...we can rest in His peace that surpasses our understanding and holds our heart and mind. Some things are just not for us to understand and that is okay. We don't always have to have the answers to our problems as long as we put our trust into the Ultimate Problem-Answerer.

I am so greatful that God has given me a peace that is greater than my understanding. I do not have to know the answers to "why" or "what if."  I can just rest in knowing that He is God and that, in all things, He will carry me through.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

I apologize for the lack of posts. Unfortunately, when I don't post for several days...it usually means that I have been struggling. I try not to post negative thoughts and feelings on here for the world to see...so instead of showing my brokenness, I tend to just keep to myself.

It seems that as time passes, it gets harder and harder. So many people think that time heals things and while I agree that is true, it hasn't gotten any easier for me yet. In the days following Luke going to heaven, I ran on nervous energy...getting by each minute on the prayers of others and on the grace of God. Today, that nervous energy is gone and I am left with the harsh reality of life without my baby. To put it bluntly...it sucks.

I am ordering a stone for my son's grave instead of his winter clothes. That sucks.
I packed away his stroller this weekend instead of packing it in the car to go to his first UK football game. That sucks.

It is so hard to believe that it has been just two months since my life changed forever. It seems like the longest two months of my life. And while it has not been easy by any means, the Lord has been very good. Some days are harder than others...I cry often, but not every day. I allow myself time to grieve and talk about Luke a lot with people that I am close to. Talking has helped a lot. I am so grateful to such an amazing community of friends and family who have loved and prayed me through this time of my life.

More than anything, I am thankful for the Lord's faithfulness.
He is SO faithful...

Oh, I cry just typing that...GOD IS SO FAITHFUL.

Many of you all do not know me outside of this blog or know me personally...Today, I am a woman after the Lord's own heart...but I have not always been that way.

I have a wonderful family and amazing parents that I adore with my entire heart. My home has always been one that grounded me in faith. I was raised in a wonderful church family with an amazing youth group that gave me a solid foundation and knowledge of Christ. However, during my later teenage years, I decided to do things my own way for awhile...and while I was never a "bad" kid, the choices I made and the desires of my heart were far from being part of God's will. Yet, in the midst of my youthful ignorance...God was faithful to me.

God was faithful when I gave my heart to old boyfriends who promised me forever...
God was faithful when I cried myself to sleep at night, wanting to end my own life...
God was faithful when my "friends" turned their backs on me...
God was faithful when I changed my career path and trusted my future in Him.

Even though I didn't realize it at the time...in the midst of all my hurts and pains...God was faithful.

He gave me a ministry with youth that changed my life.
He gave me gifts of the Spirit and wisdom that I had never experienced before.
He gave me a life partner, a husband, a love that continues to amaze me every day.
and He gave me a son, a beautiful baby boy that changed the world in just 12 days.
God was faithful.

When I think about what I deserved...the mistakes I made...the people that I hurt and lied to, I cannot hold back tears...that in the midst of it all, God was still faithful to me.

So, when I am in the midst of the deepest grief...when I think about how I deserved a healthy baby...how I deserved to bring him home with me...and how I deserved to be holding him now...

I think about my past, my mistakes, my sins instead...
and I am so thankful that God did not give me what I deserved.

I deserved condemnation...an eternity in hell...a life of fear, pain and doubt. Instead...He gave me peace, hope, freedom and security. A life eternal to be with my Jesus and my sweet baby Luke. God has been faithful to me.

So often, we think about all the things that God has not done for us...
instead of thanking Him for all that He has.

I don't know about you all, but I do not stop enough to thank Him for the simple fact of saving my soul. I take Heaven for granted so often. I take His mercy, His goodness, His faithfulness to me for granted.

The world today also takes faithfulness for granted. There is no longer much value to what it means to be faithful. Adultery is glorified. Lying is expected. 50 year anniversaries are seldom heard of. We build walls around our hearts and protect ourselves from people we unconsciously expect to hurt us. We find it hard to trust others, to give our hearts fully to anyone because we are so afraid that they may be unfaithful to us.

We carry that bondage into our relationship with Christ. We are scared to let go of our dreams and our hopes. We are terrified of trusting God completely. We may give our lives to Him but we continue to hold on to a small portion - afraid that if something happens, we will have nothing left. We love the Lord, yet we continue to hide behind the walls we have built around our hearts...holding on with fists clenched tight and knuckles white, never fully letting go.

How beautiful it is, though...when we truly believe and fully trust. When we let the walls fall to the ground and saturate ourselves in Him. With no more fear and doubts. We open up our eyes and realize...that no matter what happens in this life, He is always faithful.

There is freedom in letting go. In being faithful to the One who is faithful to us.
How true these lyrics are...

"Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!"

The whole world will fail me.
People will break their promises.
But...the Lord was, is, and always will be faithful to me.

...and for that, I am thankful.

Please take a moment to pray for sweet baby Bowen., the son of Matt & Sarah Hammitt of Sanctus Real who was born with HLHS just a few days ago. He came through his surgery fine but had a rough night last night and is now on full ECMO support, just like baby Luke. My heart breaks knowing the same thoughts and fears that his parents are going through right now. You can read their story at http://www.bowensheart.com. 

Praying for Bowen

It's been a wild week, but God is good and He is faithful! Thank you for your continued pray and support as we continue our journey. Today mark's 2 month's since our final day with Luke. The numbness of it all has worn away and the raw feeling of reality has set in. It's hard to imagine missing someone so much after knowing them for a short 10 days...but I can't tell you how difficult it is to process at times. However, God is near and with Him we are pressing on!

My reason for writing today is to beg you to cry out to God for an incredible little boy named Bowen. Bowen is the son of Matt and Sarah Hammitt and will entered this world today with a diagnosis of HLHS. Bowen has been a topic of discussion in the Christian world for several weeks as Matt is the lead singer of Sanctus Real. Sarah left a comment on this blog last week with appreciation of unwavering faith. You can follow their story at http://www.bowensheart.com/.

Today, we do not waver in our faith! We know, that we know, that we know that Jesus Christ is the Great Physician. We know that He is faithful! In His name, we claim healing over Bowen's body at this very moment! We pray that his heart is transformed into a heart that is strong and that beats to the sound of the trumpets of the Lord. We pray for peace and comfort for the family. We pray for Divine knowledge and wisdom for the doctors and nurses. Above all, we pray that what the enemy intended for evil, that God is lifted high. God, receive glory and praise for Your goodness today. Touch Bowen in the same way that You touched the blind man, the crippled man and Lazarus! Mold Bowen into Your image so that He can grow to be strong in You and proclaim Your victory in the years to come! Lord, we truly believe and proclaim Luke 1:37, "For Nothing Is Impossible With God!"

My favorite song right now is Hear Us From Heaven by Jared Anderson. The lyrics fit well with our prayer today.

Hear Us From Heaven

Verse:

Lord, hear our cry

Come heal our land

Breath life into these dry and thirsty souls

Lord, hear our prayer

Forgive our sin

And as we call on your name

Would you make this a place

For your glory to dwell

Chorus:

Open the blind eyes

Unlock the deaf ears

Come to your people

As we draw near

Hear us from heaven

Touch our generation

We are your people

Crying out in desperation

Bridge:

Hear us from heaven,

Hear us from heaven,

Hear us from heaven

- Benson

God is good, all the time..

Bible study was awesome last night. 40 women came and worshipped together. I am so thankful that God is moving in a radical way. He is so faithtful. I will share what we learned later on today... for now, I need to vent. Many of you have already heard this soapbox... So, I apologize for this in advance....


Today, I went through and read several blogs that I keep up with. Most of them are stories of heart moms and mothers who have babies in heaven. Today, I read THREE different blogs that all mentioned the same thing...

"This was God's plan for our lives."
"Why did God choose us to lose our babies?"
"Why me, God?"

 My heart almost exploded out of my chest when I read those comments and I went on leave replies that were longer than necessary. Not because I am angry (or offended) but because I know that God how good the Lord has been to me. This subject is soooo sensitive to my heart and I apologize if I seem angry (I am not) I am just really passionate about the goodness of the Lord these days.

Trust me, I understand. I have been there. I know how hard it is not to question God and I know that God understands our occasional doubts. However, It breaks my heart to know that to many people, these feelings are not just doubts... they are beliefs. Some Christians honestly believe that God is responsible when bad things happen. They love Him and they believe in Him but at the same time, they feel like suffering is part of God's plan... that when bad things happen, God just hides His face.

Shortly after Luke passed, so many people would come up to me and tried to offer words of comfort. I completely understand that people don't know what to say. I know that they mean well.. but one thing I began to notice over and over again was that people were almost blaming God for Luke's illness.

"I guess it just wasn't meant to be."
"I guess it was just part of God's plan"

Every time I would hear this, my spirit wanted to literally throw up. How can anyone, especially Christians, believe that the same God that sent his Son on the cross to die for us, who is loving, merciful and kind would PLAN for a sweet, innocent baby to suffer and die?

It pretty much boils down to the fact that churches today are not doing a good job of representing Christ or who He is. If you are Christian (or even a non-believer) and have been in church your whole life and have a misrepresentation of who God is, I apologize. I believe this is one area where the church as failed miserably. For that, I am sorry.

I do NOT know what kind of view you have of the Lord. I don't know what you see when you close your eyes and picture Jesus in your mind. But, I do know this - GOD IS GOOD.

Jeremiah 29:11 tell us that Lord does have a plan for each one of us...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The Lord's plan for each of our lives is not one that includes bondage, sickness or death. It is a plan of prosperity, of richness. So, why do babies die? Why are people sick? I will tell you why... The answer lies in John 10:10... "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

We live in a disgusting, dark, sin-filled world. Satan's entire purpose on this earth is to cause pain and suffering to the people of the Lord. It is not my fault that Luke was sick. It is not the Lord's fault that Luke died. It is not because of lack or prayer or because God was not faithful to us. It is because satan is a thief and he wants to destroy my life and yours too.

When I get to heaven and stand face to face with my Savior, He will not be able to tell me why Luke had HLHS. He will not be able to explain to me why he had to suffer and die. He will not be able to answer my questions because He did not cause this to happen to my family. He did not "choose" us for this. He did not look at Luke and say, "Sorry, little buddy.. but this is my plan for your life." That is not the kind of God I have given my life to. THAT IS NOT MY GOD.

My God is good, in season and out of season. He is the lifter of my head. He is Jehovah Jireh, my provider. He is my protector and my strong tower. He is the way, the truth and the life. He is not a baby killer or a sickness giver. He is good, all the time. All the time, He is good.

It breaks my heart that people who give their lives to the Lord and honestly trust Him can somehow reason in their minds that God plans bad things to happen to his people. He has power over satan and over sickness and death. Yes, He could have chosen to intervene and heal my son. Yes, all authority on heaven and earth is His and He could have reached into Luke's little body and healed Him completely. But He did not... and that does not make Him any less of a God or make Him any less faithful. He is still God and He is still good. He is still a God who can. He is still a God who heals. It is just that sometimes He chooses to and sometimes He chooses not to.

So often, we as Christians feel that in order to be "healed" that healing has to take place the way that we want it to, in front of our eyes. We think that healing has to be a witnessed miracle on earth. However, the ultimate healing is to be lifted up into the arms of Jesus - to be safe, protected and whole forever. The way God chose to heal Luke is not less because it did not happen on earth. I do not believe that God is any less faithful because He chose to give my son life eternal. I honestly rejoice with my WHOLE heart that God did not allow Luke to suffer. He could have allowed him to suffer years without arms and legs - but instead, He showed up and showed off and blessed our family with a whole healthy little boy, no tubes, no surgeries, no suffering EVER again. That, my friends, is HEALING!

We may not understand why God chooses to intervene the way that He does. We may not understand why some babies live with HLHS and others don't. But I do know this.... God is GOOD. He loves you and He loves me. He came to give us abundant life and has plans to prosper us. What satan intended for evil, God can turn it around and use it for the good.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

I pray that today you believe that He is who He says He is! That you do not conform to the world and those who try to lessen the blow by pushing things off on God when bad things happen. He deserves our praise, not our pity or our blame.

GOD IS GOOD, All the time!
All the time, GOD IS GOOD.