Saturday, July 31, 2010

He is worth it all.

"Lord, take our lives and do whatever you want with them. We are yours. We want to be used by you, so Lord - lead us, guide us, send us. More than anything Lord, we want to bring You glory."

Months before we were even pregnant, Benson and I began praying that God would start to use us in a radical way.  Over a period of months, we had grown spiritually stagnant. Our lives and our ministry had become a weekly routine and we grew desperate for a change. So, we began to pray for God to move - to challenge us, to fill us with His presence, to send us to people and places where we could minister, to shake up our world in a way that would glorify Him.

When I found out that I was expecting a baby, I began to fervently pray that God would anoint him even before birth. I prayed prayers that some people would call crazy - that the Lord would fill Him with the Holy Spirit, that He would be an ambassador of the Gospel and that people would come to know Christ because of his life. I gave Luke to the Lord very early on - knowing and trusting that this baby would grow up to bring glory to the kingdom of God.

I look back on those prayers and realize now just how faithful God is when we call on Him. Maybe I should have listened to all those times people told me to "be careful what you pray for."

Last night as I sat in a pew worshipping the Lord as my amazingly talented and passion-filled husband led worship with Steadfast, the Lord began to speak into my heart. I felt the Spirit leading me and convicting me to once again, give my life over to the Lord...to let Him have his way with my family and with my future...to commit myself to His ministry and His call. It is a prayer that I have prayed many times throughout my life - however, last night - the thought of promising my life over to God absolutely terrified me.

You see, it wasn't long ago that Benson and I started talking about having another baby. I know most people would think that we should take months or even years before trying to get pregnant again. However, as Benson and I both prayed, the Lord spoke into our spirits that He would bless us in His time - whether that means a few weeks, a few months or a few years...and whenever He was ready to bless us in that way, we were ready to receive it.

A few days after having this conversation, satan began to speak doubt into my mind..."What if you lose another baby? What if you have a miscarriage? What if your next baby has another heart defect?..." The more people told us about how Luke touched their lives and how God used him in such a mighty way, satan would try to speak thoughts of how "You prayed for this...you asked for God to use your baby...He answered your prayers..." into my mind.

So, last night... when I felt convicted to pray once again for God to use my life, I could hear the devil saying "But Kristin, what if He chooses to use your next baby in the same way as Luke?"

Luke 9:23 says "Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

In society during the time of Christ, the cross was a symbol for pain and suffering. It was a well-known figure that represented torture and death. When He call us to "take up our cross" He does so with the understanding that giving your life to Him will most likely involve some kind of pain and sorrow. We must give up everything to serve Him, knowing that it will not always be easy - but in the end, it will be worth it.

So last night, I went to the altar with a heavy heart. The Lord knew my fears and as much as I wanted Him to speak to me and promise me that I would ever have to go through such intense pain again - I knew that He couldn't. The Lord cannot promise me that I will never hurt again or that He will never lead Benson and I down another dark path. What He does promise is that He will never leave me or forsake me...that He loves me and He will always be my strength.

So, last night...on my knees in front of the Lord, I prayed a prayer that I would never have dreamed I would ever have to pray...

"Lord...I love you. I give you my life...I give you my yesterdays and my tomorrows. My heart is broken and I feel so empty Lord. My pain is unbearable at times, but...You Jesus are the lifter of my head. You promise that no matter what, You will never leave me or forsake me.

So, whatever you want me to do Lord - I'll do it...whether that means that I may have to suffer or go through heartache again - as long as it brings you glory Lord, I am willing...send me...

...and if that means losing another baby, I'm okay with that...because Jesus, you are worth it. You are worth it all."


I don't tell you any of this to bring any kind of glory to myself...I tell you this because it's true...He is worth it all.

People have asked how we can go through losing our baby boy and still have a passion to serve God...why after all we have been through, we choose to give our lives to Him - I can tell you very simply why it is so easy for us to do..

It is because we have tried everything else in this world and the ONLY thing that works is Jesus.

Drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, anger, bitterness, resentment, depression - between both Benson and I we have been there and done that. I am telling you, nothing fills the void in your life like Jesus can. Nothing. So when you are faced with pain or suffering, you have a choice. You can either run away from Jesus or run to Him. I have ran the other way before and learned the hard way - if you want healing, if you want Him to mend your brokenness...you can't do it on your own. You have to choose each day to give it all to Jesus.

We both feel like the Lord has brought us through so much in our lives because He wants to use our lives, both past and present, to glorify Him. I know that there are many of you who read this blog who are going through a lot of hurt and pain right now. Maybe you lost a child or someone your love...or maybe you are in a relationship that is not glorifying the Lord...or perhaps you just aren't where you need to be spiritually and you need to reconnect with Jesus...or maybe you have never really truly accepted Him as your Lord and Savior and want to know more about how to become a follower of Christ...we want to be an outlet of grace for you to share your feelings with or ask questions.

Some of the greatest way to release bondage in your own life is to just get it out in the open and tell others of your hurt. We don't have all the answers, but we know a God who does. We are real people with real pain and we want you to know that if you are hurting, you are not alone.

If you feel led to share what is going on in your life and just want someone to reach out to our email addresses are listed below. Please feel free to send us a message:

Kristin's email: kristin.sexton@yahoo.com
Benson's email: bensonsexton@hotmail.com

Also, if you would like or us to come and speak to your church, youth group, school or anywhere - please contact us. More than anything, we want to keep Luke's story alive and continue the ministry that the Lord has called us to. We would love to share Christ with as many people as we have the opportunity to. You can email us or message us on Facebook to contact us.

So where are you today? Are you too filled with fear to allow the Lord to completely have your life? Are you too scared to take up your cross and follow Him? Do not allow satan to rob you of the amazing journey that Christ has for your life. No matter where that journey takes you, whether through joy or pain, we serve a God that is there to carry you every step of the way...and trust me, He is worth it all.

-- Kristin

17 comments:

  1. Kristin Sexton! I love you!!! Last night, as I sang some of the same songs that I sang to my sweet little boyfriend just a few weeks ago, my heart broke for you guys...but at the same time I was so honored to have had the chance to meet such an amazing litte boy with such amazing parents! I love you guys so much! And I will never be able to thank you two for all that you are and have been to me! Thank you for being such a blessing!
    I love you!
    - Leah :)

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  2. I certainly do not and don't judge people who are pregnant soon after loss ~ I am one of those people. And my husband and I are Christian, believe with all our hearts that Amelia's life has been a blessing to many! I am currently pregnant again and feel this journey is filled with the pitfalls that Satan puts in front of us. Only with God's promise can I get through this pregnancy to the other side. Yes, I still am frightened about what 'could be' but I am more excited about what 'will be.'

    I will be thinking of you as you embrace the days ahead.

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  3. You are truly a light to so many. As I sit here thinking about my life, I think gosh my marriage is so trying at times, I sit down to the computer and think what can I look at to make me feel better and immediately I go to your blog. I began reading your blog soon after Luke was born and have been reading it since. I read your blog and realize its not just a one-sided struggle in my marriage but that I am very blessed and that these ups and downs are just life...stumbling blocks sometimes that the devil throws at you but with Jesus I know I can overcome. So thank you for your witness and for a glimpse into your life of praise and worship and even into your private life with Luke. God bless your family!

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  4. So beautifully said! You are a lovely picture of God's mercy, His grace is sufficient....you are proof of that. Thank you for challenging me to draw nearer to God. Thank you for using your pain and your story as a ministry opportunity. May you hear the Lord when He whispers "well done my good and faithful servant..."
    Blessings to you and all you love...
    Much love and many prayers...

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  5. so interesting that you would say these things.

    your grief is so fresh.... i know this place (from my own shoes of course, not yours). my journey with this same prayer began in august of 1998. my hubby and i laid hands on my womb and said the same things. i have been so surprised at how He has answered our prayer through the years. i continue to be amazed at what He does! and how He does it:) He does use us in the hard ways when we are willing to go there.

    my youngest daughter's first birthday is coming up in 11 days. she is not here to share it with.... this road you have just begun is so, so hard but He is there and He WILL use you so much more.

    may a rainbow baby be His blessing to you this year as your heart desires.

    may the Lord bless you and keep you in the palm of His Hand.

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  6. I continue to be amazed & moved by your continued faith & stength. I know that each time I type this address into my browser that I am going to end up with tear-filled eyes, but also a warm & encouraged heart. I believe you both are awesome examples of the Lord's amazing love!!!! Know that you all continue to be in our prayers.

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  7. Beverly Marcum StrangeAugust 1, 2010 at 10:56 AM

    I just want to say, your family is an inspiration to me...One of the things that keeps coming to my mind is that "God will never give you more than you can bear"...and somehow that gives me comfort and strength. As a parent, my heart breaks for your unimaginable grief...I pray that you will never know that kind of hurt again and that God blesses you with all of the love and happiness your heart can hold.

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  8. This is an amazing testimony. I have come to a point where I need to commit my life to Jesus, but satan keeps creeping in telling me of the things that could go wrong. Thank you for your words, your life, and your example. I need to commit and keep my eyes on Jesus.

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  9. These verses have filled my heart for you for the last month... God will continue to use you... I know this because he says:

    11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. Jeremiah 29: 11-13

    I can't wait to see what He has in store for you and your family...

    Believing with all my heart,

    Lee Ann Muncie

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  10. Just hopped on to your page by chance but what a great testimony and reminder of how much He satisfies. My heart breaks for your loss. I had 2 miscarriages before my last baby and I am not comparing that w/your loss but I did have to wrestle a lot of fear/anxiety afterward. I have JUST gotten back to the place where I realize how much He cares for me, how real and relevant Jesus is in my life! I think it's great you are sharing your story!

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  11. Benson and Kristin you both are very amazing friends of mine. I truly see the Lord through you, as I read your words and listen to you talk. I love you both. God is truly an amazing God, listening to you has brought me so much closer, closer than I have ever been, because I know God will never leave me nor forsake me. He is my Rock, on which rely. Thank you for being a part of my life, and keeping with filled with the Holy Spirit just listening to you both.

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  12. Kristin,

    I pray daily for you and Benson. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I share Luke's story all the time. He has touched the lives of many, including mine! You are amazing and I know that Luke's story will continue to be told!

    Bonnie

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  13. I think about you and your story alot and you are the strongest person I know. I have three children and I dont know if I could be strong enough to handle anything that may happen to them.

    You make things seem so easy as long as you keep Jesus in sight and path. I had drifted from my relationship with Him and long for it back but things happening in my life keep a cloud over my eyes because I see people who act like Christians to the world and then mistreat people behind closed doors. I want to pray for them and I want to pray for myself but satan holds me back telling me that there is nothing I can do and that I am hopeless. You and Benson give me hope because you have so much faith. When I am weak, He is strong. All I need to do is look up and throw my hands up to Jesus.

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  14. you must be born again? i just don't understand that so many religious people are the ones that terrible things happen too. Maybe its because they are the most hypocritical? just saying. and fyi..there is no satan. do good to others, and they do good to you.

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  15. I am so terribly sorry that you have not witnessed the true characteristics of Jesus through Christians that you have met. It breaks my heart to know that people view Christianity this way. We are praying for you to receive an abundance of blessings in your life so that Christ's love may be revealed to you. - Luke 1:37

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  16. I am lifting you both up in my prayers this morning! I worshiped with you this weekend at the revival and prayed a special prayer for you every night before the service started and asked Him to give you whatever blessing you needed on each particular night. My heart simply overflowed with thanksgiving and praise when I read just how completely my prayer for you was answered...I praise Him for revealing so magnificently His plan for your life together.
    You have already touched so many lives...those of us who are fortunate enough to know you and worship with you recieve a special blessing just being in God's house with you. We feel the Holy Ghost speak not only to each one of us, but knowing that both you and Benson are crying out to Jesus, we feel His almighty presence all around us. My daughter loves you
    Kristin...you have made such a difference in her life. What you probably don't realize yet is not only the impact of your faith today, but even more importantly...the many young women who will remember your "Luke's Story" when they become pregnant one day and many of them will experience both great joy and great sadness, just as we have watched you survive both with such beauty and grace. And they will remember you and be thankful that they knew you. My heart is so full of my love for our God and I am thankful that He is the healer of broken hearts. His precious son Jesus represents the love each one of us, as parents feel for our children and to even imagine watching Him die on the cross is heartbreaking, truly Amazing Grace. We thank Him and praise Him and love Him and my prayer today is for every single individual who has ever read your blog will recieve a special blessing just in knowing Luke's Story. Benson, I heard God's love in your voice at Luke's Celebration of Life and I am reminded of that love everytime I have listened to you sing since that day. I pray for God's supernatural healing to continue in your lives. We will all be blessed to walk with you as your journey with God unfolds. We will continue to praise Him and glorify His name. We are covered with His precious blood...His precious love. Because of both, I love you.

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  17. Your last paragraph spoke straight to my heart. I am too filled with fear. Right now I am so frustrated with myself because I feel that I am not obeying the Holy Spirit when He moves in me. I think that I want to be radical- to live unashamedly in Jesus' name- but satan is keeping me from it. he keeps pushing my desire to liked by everyone and be a people-pleaser to the front of my mind. Just when I am ready to go out on a limb for Jesus, satan stops me.
    God used your word to get to me. He is worth it- no matter what road it leads me down. I continue to pray for you both daily, I hope you'll do the same for me as I struggle to give God everything.

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