Bible study was awesome last night. 40 women came and worshipped together. I am so thankful that God is moving in a radical way. He is so faithtful. I will share what we learned later on today... for now, I need to vent. Many of you have already heard this soapbox... So, I apologize for this in advance....
Today, I went through and read several blogs that I keep up with. Most of them are stories of heart moms and mothers who have babies in heaven. Today, I read THREE different blogs that all mentioned the same thing...
"This was God's plan for our lives."
"Why did God choose us to lose our babies?"
"Why me, God?"
My heart almost exploded out of my chest when I read those comments and I went on leave replies that were longer than necessary. Not because I am angry (or offended) but because I know that God how good the Lord has been to me. This subject is soooo sensitive to my heart and I apologize if I seem angry (I am not) I am just really passionate about the goodness of the Lord these days.
Trust me, I understand. I have been there. I know how hard it is not to question God and I know that God understands our occasional doubts. However, It breaks my heart to know that to many people, these feelings are not just doubts... they are beliefs. Some Christians honestly believe that God is responsible when bad things happen. They love Him and they believe in Him but at the same time, they feel like suffering is part of God's plan... that when bad things happen, God just hides His face.
Shortly after Luke passed, so many people would come up to me and tried to offer words of comfort. I completely understand that people don't know what to say. I know that they mean well.. but one thing I began to notice over and over again was that people were almost blaming God for Luke's illness.
"I guess it just wasn't meant to be."
"I guess it was just part of God's plan"
Every time I would hear this, my spirit wanted to literally throw up. How can anyone, especially Christians, believe that the same God that sent his Son on the cross to die for us, who is loving, merciful and kind would PLAN for a sweet, innocent baby to suffer and die?
It pretty much boils down to the fact that churches today are not doing a good job of representing Christ or who He is. If you are Christian (or even a non-believer) and have been in church your whole life and have a misrepresentation of who God is, I apologize. I believe this is one area where the church as failed miserably. For that, I am sorry.
I do NOT know what kind of view you have of the Lord. I don't know what you see when you close your eyes and picture Jesus in your mind. But, I do know this - GOD IS GOOD.
Jeremiah 29:11 tell us that Lord does have a plan for each one of us...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
The Lord's plan for each of our lives is not one that includes bondage, sickness or death. It is a plan of prosperity, of richness. So, why do babies die? Why are people sick? I will tell you why... The answer lies in John 10:10... "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
We live in a disgusting, dark, sin-filled world. Satan's entire purpose on this earth is to cause pain and suffering to the people of the Lord. It is not my fault that Luke was sick. It is not the Lord's fault that Luke died. It is not because of lack or prayer or because God was not faithful to us. It is because satan is a thief and he wants to destroy my life and yours too.
When I get to heaven and stand face to face with my Savior, He will not be able to tell me why Luke had HLHS. He will not be able to explain to me why he had to suffer and die. He will not be able to answer my questions because He did not cause this to happen to my family. He did not "choose" us for this. He did not look at Luke and say, "Sorry, little buddy.. but this is my plan for your life." That is not the kind of God I have given my life to. THAT IS NOT MY GOD.
My God is good, in season and out of season. He is the lifter of my head. He is Jehovah Jireh, my provider. He is my protector and my strong tower. He is the way, the truth and the life. He is not a baby killer or a sickness giver. He is good, all the time. All the time, He is good.
It breaks my heart that people who give their lives to the Lord and honestly trust Him can somehow reason in their minds that God plans bad things to happen to his people. He has power over satan and over sickness and death. Yes, He could have chosen to intervene and heal my son. Yes, all authority on heaven and earth is His and He could have reached into Luke's little body and healed Him completely. But He did not... and that does not make Him any less of a God or make Him any less faithful. He is still God and He is still good. He is still a God who can. He is still a God who heals. It is just that sometimes He chooses to and sometimes He chooses not to.
So often, we as Christians feel that in order to be "healed" that healing has to take place the way that we want it to, in front of our eyes. We think that healing has to be a witnessed miracle on earth. However, the ultimate healing is to be lifted up into the arms of Jesus - to be safe, protected and whole forever. The way God chose to heal Luke is not less because it did not happen on earth. I do not believe that God is any less faithful because He chose to give my son life eternal. I honestly rejoice with my WHOLE heart that God did not allow Luke to suffer. He could have allowed him to suffer years without arms and legs - but instead, He showed up and showed off and blessed our family with a whole healthy little boy, no tubes, no surgeries, no suffering EVER again. That, my friends, is HEALING!
We may not understand why God chooses to intervene the way that He does. We may not understand why some babies live with HLHS and others don't. But I do know this.... God is GOOD. He loves you and He loves me. He came to give us abundant life and has plans to prosper us. What satan intended for evil, God can turn it around and use it for the good.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28
I pray that today you believe that He is who He says He is! That you do not conform to the world and those who try to lessen the blow by pushing things off on God when bad things happen. He deserves our praise, not our pity or our blame.
GOD IS GOOD, All the time!
All the time, GOD IS GOOD.
Shew. This spoke into my spirit hun. God is GOOD!!! He wants to see us prosper, not for us to be harmed!!! I feel that many people need to read this blog!!! :) "D-Mark"
ReplyDeleteI love, love this! It's more than OK to seek God in are storms, but it's not OK to blame God during those times. Jerm 29:11 is one of my favorite verses! I love you girl! ~Victoria~
ReplyDeleteKristin- Thank you for your comment on my post about prayer.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure where to start, but I'm going to try to keep this short.
I agree with you that God is good. He doesn't choose this path for us. He allows it. From the very beginning, Shane and I have felt the Holy Spirit tell us that He will not take this from us. We have known from the beginning that he could do so if He chose. He has allowed Joshua to have HLHS, although He did not choose this for him.
I hope you did not take my post as not believeing what The Bible says about God and His goodness. I hope you did not take my post as saying that God gave Joshua HLHS. I know that is not true. I know that what God says is true.
Some days I just find it so much harder to wrap my mind around why He allows things to happen. Why he allows so much suffering. I also know that we will never know. God is God.
As I listened to a mother wail in the NICU after losing her baby yesterday, my heart broke for her. I did all I could do for her, which was to pray for her. I also thanked God that her precious baby didn't have to suffer on this earth any longer and received complete healing in the arms of Jesus.
I appreciated your comment and your post from today. Please forgive me if I was one of the bloggers who offended you.
Please don't feel like I am offended! I know that you (and many other heart moms) struggle with the same thing of wondering why. I know that is normal.... what breaks my heart is other people who honestly believe that God is responsible for our suffering. I hate that people look at Luke (or Joshua) and think that God was responsible for their hearts. You and I both know that God is good and faithful to us even while we sit beside our sick baby's beside.
ReplyDeleteKristin,
ReplyDeleteOnce again, you speak directly to my heart. As my "due date" approaches, I'm finding that all of those emotions I thought I'd moved through aren't gone. They're still right there on the surface. Last night, as I changed my calendar to September, the month that we were "supposed" to be so excited for, the month that we were "supposed" to welcome our little one into the world, I was just sad. Completely overwhelmed with grief. For a few moments, I let Satan convince me that God had taken our little one from us. Then I remembered a quote from Joni Earickson Tada that I've carried around for months that says, "Sometimes God allows something He hates to accomplish something He loves." And then here you are with perfect scripture reminding me of the true nature of my God. Thank you for hopping up on your "soapbox" just when I needed you to be there! :)You have once again reminded me that God is good all the time.
P.S. You have such a great way of putting your thoughts into words. I could totally see you as "the next Beth Moore"!
Kristin, I am so inspired by this! As someone who has been struggling to have children, many people (well-intended of course) have told us the same thing... that it must be God's will. My husband and I were discussing it one day and nothing set me free more than the day my husband looked at me and said out loud, "I don't believe that...I don't believe God willed that for us." At that point I layed down the "blame game" and decided that, after studying the character of God in the word, I honestly did not feel like he was willing this to happen or for us to never be parents. At that point I felt his presence stronger than ever, and was surrounded by the truth and not lies the enemy wanted me to believe. So many things that we couldn't make sense of, began to make sense after I stopped believing that God's will for my life was to be barren. What better place to meet God than to invite him to sit with you in your heartache and let him speak truth to you?! And HE WILL PREVAIL! We continue to pray for you and Benson and can't wait to see God's amazing plan for your lives continue to unfold.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is AMEN! Everyone tends to blame God. And for a long time I did too. I haven't lost a baby, I haven't had that heart break,I don't know how that feels. But I do know how it feels to try for 8 1/2 years without so much as having the need to take a pregnancy test. It is heart breaking. And I was very mad nd angry with God, until I found the real God! He has allowed each one of us to go through our trials here on earth, in order to see if we will turn them into Glory to HIS name! And you have done just that! God wants each of us to be happy and prosperous, He would never, ever place something on us that eas evil. Sickness in any form and fashion is evil and of the devil, God CAN heal and He CAN bring us through. But HE will always do His will not ours. It doesn't make Him any less of the true God though! Jehovah Jireh!!!!
ReplyDeleteI always enjoy reading your posts. You summed up exactly how I feel when I see these words written to these mother's who have lost the most precious thing in their life, their children. I get so much from your posts and I am not particularly a religious person. However I have read the bible from front to back because I have such a thirst for knowledge of all religions, faiths, and beliefs. From what I get God is there for you at all times, a guide through good and bad. He is not responsible for heartache or euphoria. God does not plan for babies to suffer or die. People often don't know what to say because the concept of a child, a baby, dying it to hard to grasp. So for all of the parents who have lost their children, the only real thing to say is I am so sorry. You did not deserve to have to part with your son so soon, and Luke did not deserve to get to enjoy his parents here on this earth but you and your husband have dealt with this situation with a tenacity that many don't have. It is a part of your life, Luke is a part of your life, and I truly appreciate you sharing not only your beautiful son but also your journey through not only dealing with what has happened but moving through it and rising above it.
ReplyDeleteAmen sister! Boy if that's not the truth I don't know what is! The devil has such a wicked way of working into our minds and making us believe things that we know are not true or that we know our hearts don't believe. Then before we know it were exactly where he wants us, thinking just as he'd have us thinking that God does these terrible things without intervention or without care. WRONG!!! I think just about every day I have to say "In the name of Jesus Christ, devil get behind me!" He just tries so ferociously to invade any part of our lives. But just like anything else you give him a inch and he'll take a mile.
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading your blog today I was reminded of song 'Four Days Late'. The God that I serve may seem late on mine and your watch but on His, He's always on time. And that is one of the many things I love about Him, is that He is never four days late according to His perfect plan for us all.
I've gotten a lot out of your soapbox today and venting is always good for the soul and usually for someone else too. Today it was great for mine. I love you and continue praying for you guys.
Much love,
Mindy
I love this post Kristin......every person should learn from this! We all suffer from frusrations over things from time to time, but we all need to remember whom the bad guy ALWAYS is!
ReplyDeleteLove you tons!
Becky P.
Amazing post that so many need to hear...and so many will read it thanks to your post. Have you read the book, "When bad things happen to good people?" I read it recently and while I do not agree with EVERYthing the author has to say, I do agree with his main point that God does not cause the suffering that we experience in this life. It is a great book to read if you haven't already. Thanks for being honest and brave with this post.
ReplyDeleteJeremiah 29:11 is hanging on the wall in my 1-yr-old's room and has been since before he was born. I know that God has an amazing plan for his life and I also know that Satan is going to try and thwart it. All we can do as Mothers is try to protect them, prepare them and pray for them. I admire so much about who you are as a Mother, Kristin. I know that God has amazing things in store for you as His child, as a wife, and as a Mother.
ReplyDeleteVery well said!!
ReplyDeleteKristin....my question back to you is why not? Why not send Luke to the best family possible? Why not send Luke to people who are strong and courageous and could love that boy more than enayone else? God sent Luke to you because he trusted you with something "that big".God knew you could be trusted and knew you could love Luke. bostonkjensen.blogspot.com...the story of a why not....we loved him that much.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, I think that people do not tell you "It must have been God's plan" to blame God, but rather to give you peace that your loved one's death was not in vain. I have never lost a child, and honestly when I read your story and the stories of other people that I have found through your site, my heart breaks into pieces. I see my babies in the faces of your children and tears pour down my face as I read your stories. I have, however, lost someone that was dear to me. Several times, really, but one in particular which was the hardest thing that I have had to deal with in my lifetime. I lost a sister at the hands of another person, and it has been a struggle ever since. I agree with you that God is good all the time, but I comfort myself in the situation by telling myself that it WAS God's will. He has the power to do all things...to change all things. I know that it was Satan who caused the death. He was alive in the heart of the person whose hands took the life of my sister, but God saw it all...and if He had wanted, He COULD have changed it. I have to believe that He allowed death to occur for the greater good. I also think that often, people try to make sense of things that they are not capable of understanding. I believe that God is complex beyond the realm of our understanding. We can't begin to fathom the things that he knows, and sees. Someone told me recently that God sometimes takes people from this earth to spare them greater pain in the future. I had never thought of that before...but why not?? If someone is ready, whether they be an innocent child or someone that knows Jesus and is prepared to call Heaven their home...why not take them to spare them? The Bible tells us to rejoice in death...to know that the saved are going to a place that is infinitely better than this old earth. All true Christians must realize that God is something way bigger than we are, and I don't know if it is for us to always know "why?" but I know that there is always a reason. Whether we are able to wrap our mind around it or not...there is always a reason. My sister was the only person in my family that was saved and prepared to meet Jesus in heaven. Her passing saw the return of many people in my family to church, and the salvation of at least 4 people. Now...she is basking in heaven with our Lord, and there are 4 more people that will be with her there one day. If nothing else, I think that is a pretty good reason why.
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog for many months now and I've cried and prayed more times and tears than I can count. I used to work in a maternity clothing store and a woman came in there with her son (he was about 3) and she was about 5-6 months pregnant. However she had a condition where the baby wouldn't grow anymore but she had to carry the baby "to term" and then deliver. My response to her and her son when she told me this was, "Aren't you lucky to have a guardian angel?" And she said that she had "never thought of it that way". My point is this: I do think God had that plan for you and Luke. He wanted you to know Luke, He trusted you with Luke as his earthly guardian angel, He needed you to carry on his message and to inspire other people. Maybe you weren't doing what God needed you to do and this is your calling. This was His way to guide you. God never promises an easy road but he does promise a blessed road and and an eternity that we can not even fathom because it is sooooo fantastic. I never blame God for the bad, I ask for his grace and wisdom and praise him when it is good. I lost my mother when I was 2 (I don't remember her) and my father 4 years ago...my heart has been broken ever since...but I do not blame Him, I thank him for the time I had and for the multiple blessings that I do not deserve. We all have our hard times whether they be death, job loss, heart break or just LIFE. But God never gives us more than we can handle and you'd be amazed at how broad your shoulders are. Continue with your faith....remember you are one of the lucky ones that already have a guardian angel and so do Luke's brothers and sisters that you have yet to meet....but God already knows them. He's already picked them out for you.
ReplyDelete-Karen Milford, OH
Karen, some people are lucky to have guardian angels, but God didn't give a baby life just take it away. However, I can't fathom even typing the statement about calling. I'm sure Kristin really enjoyed reading that comment and probably stopped reading the rest of the post. That is one of the very things that Kristin talks about in the blog; basically blaming God for destruction. Those that know Kristin know that she has been called into the ministry for years and has worked for the Lord doing the work that He called her to do. God did not say, "Ok, Kristin I need you to do something else so I am going to give you a baby and take him away from you just to get your attention." That is a messed up view of the God of Life. The One who sent His own Son to conquer the grave, sickness, brokenness, sin and all else that is of the world. We live in a fallen world full of sickness, pain and death...and the Bible clearly illustrates that it is not of God. Just like Kristin stated, "The enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy." Satan plays with people's minds and their world view. I am not trying to be rude, but I can't stand back and not defend the identity and characteristics of the God that I serve.
ReplyDeleteKristin, I don't know if you have seen or heard this song yet, but I thought that you may find it very comforting. It is a song by Matt Hammitt (Sanctus Real). You may know this already, but his wife is pregnant and due any day now with a little boy named Bowen, who has also been diagnosed with HLHS. He wrote this song recently for times like these...
ReplyDeleteTrust
Lest I’m tempted to forget
I’ll tie Your love around my neck
I’ll write Your words upon my heart
Lord, I won’t forget how good You are
I’ll dwell upon Your faithfulness
I’ll rest within Your promises
And when I’m walking through the dark
Lord, I won’t forget how good You are
I will trust, I will trust You
I will trust You Lord with all my heart
And I won’t forget how good You are
No, I won’t forget how good You are
You gave me everything I have
My whole life is in Your hands
When what I fear is closing in
Lord, Your faithfulness will never end
I will trust, I will trust You
I will trust You Lord with all my heart
And I won’t forget how good You are
No, I won’t forget how good You are
Even in the darkness, even in the questions
Even when the hardest times of life are at hand
Even in darkness, even in questions
Even in the times that I’m not meant to understand
I will trust.
Proverbs 3:3-6
Here is a link to the song that has yet to actually be recorded...
http://bowensheart.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/Trust-worktape2.mp3
I admire you, your strength and your unwavering faith.
Hey there,
ReplyDeleteI was directed to your site from an email I received on my blog. I am due tomorrow with our son and he has HLHS. Your strength and love for God in inspirational. Thanks for sharing.
Sarah Hammitt
Bowensheart.com
Hi Kristin. I too have a heart baby, and read the comment on Rhyan's page. I wanted you to know that I remember your little Luke in the NICU... and you and your husband as well, and I read your blog often. I must admit that I have drawn strength and hope and faith from your messages. I am thankful that you are there for so many to draw from and admire the undeniable strength and faith you have. I did want to tell you that I wouldn't and don't blame the Lord for anything that has happened to Rhayn. She is a blessing that I thank Him for daily. I know that you don't blame Him either, and for that I am in such awe. Too many people in times of loss turn their back on the Lord. In my post I simply was trying to say that each of these special babies are back in Heaven with a Lord that loves them more than we could ever imagine. I do believe that he welcomed them Home. I know that in times of trouble and distress our Lord is right there carrying us through. I don't think I could ever ask why me. I try daily to rely on my faith. To remember that the Lord will never put anything on us that we can't overcome. You are such an amazing and wonderful woman. I am so proud to know that there are stong Christians out there. I try always to put the Lord first, and I pray daily that He gives me strength as He has you. Thank you for your site. God bless.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of something I wrote not too long after my Matthew died. http://loridoesmd.blogspot.com/2010/04/heavy-stuff-today.html
ReplyDeleteAnd what I followed up with after so many sweet, faithful and Christian hearts shared with me.
http://loridoesmd.blogspot.com/2010/04/well.html
And reading your words today takes me right back there. Makes me tear up in memory.
And in gratitude that God shows Himself to me even when I am nearly blind.
Still praying for you and your family.