I apologize for the lack of posts. Unfortunately, when I don't post for several days...it usually means that I have been struggling. I try not to post negative thoughts and feelings on here for the world to see...so instead of showing my brokenness, I tend to just keep to myself.
It seems that as time passes, it gets harder and harder. So many people think that time heals things and while I agree that is true, it hasn't gotten any easier for me yet. In the days following Luke going to heaven, I ran on nervous energy...getting by each minute on the prayers of others and on the grace of God. Today, that nervous energy is gone and I am left with the harsh reality of life without my baby. To put it bluntly...it sucks.
I am ordering a stone for my son's grave instead of his winter clothes. That sucks.
I packed away his stroller this weekend instead of packing it in the car to go to his first UK football game. That sucks.
It is so hard to believe that it has been just two months since my life changed forever. It seems like the longest two months of my life. And while it has not been easy by any means, the Lord has been very good. Some days are harder than others...I cry often, but not every day. I allow myself time to grieve and talk about Luke a lot with people that I am close to. Talking has helped a lot. I am so grateful to such an amazing community of friends and family who have loved and prayed me through this time of my life.
More than anything, I am thankful for the Lord's faithfulness.
He is SO faithful...
Oh, I cry just typing that...GOD IS SO FAITHFUL.
Many of you all do not know me outside of this blog or know me personally...Today, I am a woman after the Lord's own heart...but I have not always been that way.
I have a wonderful family and amazing parents that I adore with my entire heart. My home has always been one that grounded me in faith. I was raised in a wonderful church family with an amazing youth group that gave me a solid foundation and knowledge of Christ. However, during my later teenage years, I decided to do things my own way for awhile...and while I was never a "bad" kid, the choices I made and the desires of my heart were far from being part of God's will. Yet, in the midst of my youthful ignorance...God was faithful to me.
God was faithful when I gave my heart to old boyfriends who promised me forever...
God was faithful when I cried myself to sleep at night, wanting to end my own life...
God was faithful when my "friends" turned their backs on me...
God was faithful when I changed my career path and trusted my future in Him.
Even though I didn't realize it at the time...in the midst of all my hurts and pains...God was faithful.
He gave me a ministry with youth that changed my life.
He gave me gifts of the Spirit and wisdom that I had never experienced before.
He gave me a life partner, a husband, a love that continues to amaze me every day.
and He gave me a son, a beautiful baby boy that changed the world in just 12 days.
God was faithful.
When I think about what I deserved...the mistakes I made...the people that I hurt and lied to, I cannot hold back tears...that in the midst of it all, God was still faithful to me.
So, when I am in the midst of the deepest grief...when I think about how I deserved a healthy baby...how I deserved to bring him home with me...and how I deserved to be holding him now...
I think about my past, my mistakes, my sins instead...
and I am so thankful that God did not give me what I deserved.
I deserved condemnation...an eternity in hell...a life of fear, pain and doubt. Instead...He gave me peace, hope, freedom and security. A life eternal to be with my Jesus and my sweet baby Luke. God has been faithful to me.
So often, we think about all the things that God has not done for us...
instead of thanking Him for all that He has.
I don't know about you all, but I do not stop enough to thank Him for the simple fact of saving my soul. I take Heaven for granted so often. I take His mercy, His goodness, His faithfulness to me for granted.
The world today also takes faithfulness for granted. There is no longer much value to what it means to be faithful. Adultery is glorified. Lying is expected. 50 year anniversaries are seldom heard of. We build walls around our hearts and protect ourselves from people we unconsciously expect to hurt us. We find it hard to trust others, to give our hearts fully to anyone because we are so afraid that they may be unfaithful to us.
We carry that bondage into our relationship with Christ. We are scared to let go of our dreams and our hopes. We are terrified of trusting God completely. We may give our lives to Him but we continue to hold on to a small portion - afraid that if something happens, we will have nothing left. We love the Lord, yet we continue to hide behind the walls we have built around our hearts...holding on with fists clenched tight and knuckles white, never fully letting go.
How beautiful it is, though...when we truly believe and fully trust. When we let the walls fall to the ground and saturate ourselves in Him. With no more fear and doubts. We open up our eyes and realize...that no matter what happens in this life, He is always faithful.
There is freedom in letting go. In being faithful to the One who is faithful to us.
How true these lyrics are...
"Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!"
The whole world will fail me.
People will break their promises.
But...the Lord was, is, and always will be faithful to me.
...and for that, I am thankful.
Please take a moment to pray for sweet baby Bowen., the son of Matt & Sarah Hammitt of Sanctus Real who was born with HLHS just a few days ago. He came through his surgery fine but had a rough night last night and is now on full ECMO support, just like baby Luke. My heart breaks knowing the same thoughts and fears that his parents are going through right now. You can read their story at http://www.bowensheart.com.