I apologize for the lack of posts. Unfortunately, when I don't post for several days...it usually means that I have been struggling. I try not to post negative thoughts and feelings on here for the world to see...so instead of showing my brokenness, I tend to just keep to myself.
It seems that as time passes, it gets harder and harder. So many people think that time heals things and while I agree that is true, it hasn't gotten any easier for me yet. In the days following Luke going to heaven, I ran on nervous energy...getting by each minute on the prayers of others and on the grace of God. Today, that nervous energy is gone and I am left with the harsh reality of life without my baby. To put it bluntly...it sucks.
I am ordering a stone for my son's grave instead of his winter clothes. That sucks.
I packed away his stroller this weekend instead of packing it in the car to go to his first UK football game. That sucks.
It is so hard to believe that it has been just two months since my life changed forever. It seems like the longest two months of my life. And while it has not been easy by any means, the Lord has been very good. Some days are harder than others...I cry often, but not every day. I allow myself time to grieve and talk about Luke a lot with people that I am close to. Talking has helped a lot. I am so grateful to such an amazing community of friends and family who have loved and prayed me through this time of my life.
More than anything, I am thankful for the Lord's faithfulness.
He is SO faithful...
Oh, I cry just typing that...GOD IS SO FAITHFUL.
Many of you all do not know me outside of this blog or know me personally...Today, I am a woman after the Lord's own heart...but I have not always been that way.
I have a wonderful family and amazing parents that I adore with my entire heart. My home has always been one that grounded me in faith. I was raised in a wonderful church family with an amazing youth group that gave me a solid foundation and knowledge of Christ. However, during my later teenage years, I decided to do things my own way for awhile...and while I was never a "bad" kid, the choices I made and the desires of my heart were far from being part of God's will. Yet, in the midst of my youthful ignorance...God was faithful to me.
God was faithful when I gave my heart to old boyfriends who promised me forever...
God was faithful when I cried myself to sleep at night, wanting to end my own life...
God was faithful when my "friends" turned their backs on me...
God was faithful when I changed my career path and trusted my future in Him.
Even though I didn't realize it at the time...in the midst of all my hurts and pains...God was faithful.
He gave me a ministry with youth that changed my life.
He gave me gifts of the Spirit and wisdom that I had never experienced before.
He gave me a life partner, a husband, a love that continues to amaze me every day.
and He gave me a son, a beautiful baby boy that changed the world in just 12 days.
God was faithful.
When I think about what I deserved...the mistakes I made...the people that I hurt and lied to, I cannot hold back tears...that in the midst of it all, God was still faithful to me.
So, when I am in the midst of the deepest grief...when I think about how I deserved a healthy baby...how I deserved to bring him home with me...and how I deserved to be holding him now...
I think about my past, my mistakes, my sins instead...
and I am so thankful that God did not give me what I deserved.
I deserved condemnation...an eternity in hell...a life of fear, pain and doubt. Instead...He gave me peace, hope, freedom and security. A life eternal to be with my Jesus and my sweet baby Luke. God has been faithful to me.
So often, we think about all the things that God has not done for us...
instead of thanking Him for all that He has.
I don't know about you all, but I do not stop enough to thank Him for the simple fact of saving my soul. I take Heaven for granted so often. I take His mercy, His goodness, His faithfulness to me for granted.
The world today also takes faithfulness for granted. There is no longer much value to what it means to be faithful. Adultery is glorified. Lying is expected. 50 year anniversaries are seldom heard of. We build walls around our hearts and protect ourselves from people we unconsciously expect to hurt us. We find it hard to trust others, to give our hearts fully to anyone because we are so afraid that they may be unfaithful to us.
We carry that bondage into our relationship with Christ. We are scared to let go of our dreams and our hopes. We are terrified of trusting God completely. We may give our lives to Him but we continue to hold on to a small portion - afraid that if something happens, we will have nothing left. We love the Lord, yet we continue to hide behind the walls we have built around our hearts...holding on with fists clenched tight and knuckles white, never fully letting go.
How beautiful it is, though...when we truly believe and fully trust. When we let the walls fall to the ground and saturate ourselves in Him. With no more fear and doubts. We open up our eyes and realize...that no matter what happens in this life, He is always faithful.
There is freedom in letting go. In being faithful to the One who is faithful to us.
How true these lyrics are...
"Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!"
The whole world will fail me.
People will break their promises.
But...the Lord was, is, and always will be faithful to me.
...and for that, I am thankful.
Please take a moment to pray for sweet baby Bowen., the son of Matt & Sarah Hammitt of Sanctus Real who was born with HLHS just a few days ago. He came through his surgery fine but had a rough night last night and is now on full ECMO support, just like baby Luke. My heart breaks knowing the same thoughts and fears that his parents are going through right now. You can read their story at http://www.bowensheart.com.
I love to read your blogs. You can speak right to my heart and say the things that weigh on my mind. I lost Kody last July and God has blessed us with Kaleb this year. My time with him has been so bitter sweet. As I cherish every moment with him I think about all the moments that I didn't have with Kody. I've lost loved ones but the loss of a child does not compare. I'm so thankful that I will hold my baby again one day. Many prayers go up for your family and I think of you often.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, beautiful post. You are absolutely right - even in our worst of moments, even when we cannot possibly understand God is faithful, and deserves our trust.
ReplyDeleteYour loss is so recent...it took many months before I even began to have good days again. And now, just over a year later, the good days far outweigh the bad. But I don't think it ever truly goes away. There are things time simply cannot heal completely.
(((hugs)))
Praise the Lord for letting you be baby Luke's momma; what a privilege that is!!! I'm honored to have had the opportunity to get to know you through this trial. I'm so glad you're my friend :)
ReplyDeleteI hadn't been on here in a while and I thought that I would come back and read more of your blogs but this one touched me in a special way. I have been married for almost 4 years and my hubby and I have been trying to conceive since then and have had no luck and it has been a very hard journey for us because we want a child so bad and this blog touched my heart. I like you was never a really bad child or teen but I went astray after high school and turned my back on God and it has been a huge struggle for me to stay faithful and true to the Lord knowing in my heart how truly bad that we would like to have a baby. It has honestly taken me 4 years to finally have peace about God's plan for my life, but I am so thankful that He is faithful to us and that He doesn't give us what we truly deserve because truth be told we should have been the ones to hanging on that cross.
ReplyDeleteKrista Graybeal-Gaines
I just love you. I love your open, honest sharing of what God has laid upon your heart. You're beautiful inside and out. A song speaking to me right now, and one that I think will also speak to you, is "Tonight" by Rush of Fools. The chorus says:
ReplyDelete"You give when You should take away and You take what should have been my pain and You offer good when there's none in me. You're the only love that makes me complete."
You and Benson are in my prayers daily. Much love from the Gooden's to the Sexton's.
Your honesty, openness, and passion for the Lord never cease to amaze me. Your blogs never fail to reach right off the screen, grab me by the heart strings, and tug in the direction of His glorious name. I am so thankful that the Lord is forgiving and that He gives me more than I will ever deserve. I have been humbled in His presence daily. The Lord is faithful in all things, even when the world is not. Thank you for your beautiful words and for speaking to me today. I needed to hear that it's okay to let go and let God.
ReplyDeleteThis reminded me of a Beth Moore study where she was talking about how on those days we feel 'wronged' (and more specifically, by others), what we'd answer if God asked us what we'd like Him to do to those who wrong us...keeping in mind that He'd do the same for us....and she'd just beg Him to bless them, bless them, and bless them more!!!
ReplyDeleteYou are so right in how we should be so thankful we are not treated as we deserve.
Still in prayer for you....
Kristin,
ReplyDeleteI think of you and Benson often. Your family remains in my prayers. It will be 4 years next month since the loss of our son. I find comfort in knowing that I will be with him and hold him again someday. God is faithful, all of the time, even in our darkest hour, he remains constant. I would not be in this place in my life without God's grace and love. I check your blog often for new posts. Keep your strong faith in God. Baby Luke has changed so many lives, and though it is hard not to think of the times that we won't have,we must cherish the time that we did. I would not trade the 18 months I shared with Braiden, it was an amazing blessing. God changed my life through him. God is GOOD and we are so blessed to be mothers to these precious angels.
With Love and Prayers,
Tiffany Meadows