Every month, I look forward to the 29th... and I relive the happiest moment of my life over and over again in my head.
The tears in my mother's eyes.
My dad pacing the hallway outside the delivery room.
Luke's faint cry.
The look on Benson's face.
His head of hair.
The feeling I had when I first held him.
The way his little fingers wrapped around mine.
His soft skin against my lips.
August 29th, 2010... 9:26 p.m. The best moment of my whole life.
Anyway, we hadn't been there in a couple of weeks so we decided to stop by there yesterday. As we were standing there together, it was so surreal. It still is so hard to believe that we had a baby just two months ago and buried him two weeks later.
Last night while I was home by myself for a few hours, I decided to go into Luke's room. Many people have asked about Luke's room and what we have done with his things. For the most part, we have just left everything like it was. We packed away the carseat, stroller and swing but his room and his closet are exactly the same as they were when we left for the hospital. Benson and I feel like Luke's room is our own little sanctuary. Every night before Luke was born, Benson would go in there and pray. It is a very special place with a really sweet spirit.
So last night while Benson was gone, I grabbed his little blanket and stuffed dog and sat next to his crib. I picked up one of his books off the shelf and started reading it out loud. I thought about how I would give anything to sit next to his bed every night and read him bed time stories. Looking back now, I wish that I would have read to him more while he was inside me. While we were pregnant, Benson and I decided that instead of having hundreds of toys (which I know he would have had anyway) that we would just buy him books. So for weeks Mom and I bought almost every little children's book we could find. The bookshelves in Luke's room are filled with his books. It breaks my heart to know that those little fingers will never hold all those books my mom and I picked out just for him. Last night while sitting in his room, I decided that every month on his birthday I would pick out a story and read it out loud to celebrate.
Last night, his birthday story was "Mama Loves You" by Caroline Stutson.... I wish you could see all the little illustrations, they were so sweet.
"I am yours; you are mine,
Mama loves you Porcupine
Mama loves you Porcupine
Come a buzzing; straight to me
Mama loves you Honeybee
Flit to mama; Fly sky-high
Mama loves you Butterfly
Let it snow, we dont care
Mama loves you Polar bear
My heart is singing have you heard?
Mama loves you Hummingbird
Who's that nibbling in my house
Mama loves you Little mouse
Give me kisses, give me hugs
Mama loves you Little bug
In our thicket, snuggle near
Mama loves you Little deer
Look who's running Pitter Pat
Mama loves you Kitty cat
Mama loves you Kitty cat
Your my star, my moon my sun!
Mama loves you Little one."
Happy two month birthday little Luke! I wish you were here so I could hold you in my arms and read to you. I know Jesus is a much better storyteller than Mommy could ever be, but I hope that just maybe He would let you look down from heaven into your room and listen while Mommy reads to you for a little while. The words I read last night are so true -- You are our star, our moon, our sun. Mommy and Daddy love you, little one!
For some reason, today, this post broke my heart in a way no other post has. I pictured myself sitting in my kids' rooms and not having them there-and it hurts too much. . . I just cannot imagine what you go through everyday. You make me stop taking my kids and my life for granted. You are an encouragement to so many. Today though I just wanted you to know that this mommy in MN is crying with you and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteKristin - I don't know you, but heard about your story on facebook. I sent many positive thoughts your way and continue to think of you and your family. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for making me see how precious each day is and can be. Just thank you.
ReplyDeleteHi Kristin and Benson, I don't know you either, but have followed your blog since Luke was in the hospital. I found your blog through another blog I follow called, The Sweet Life. I've wanted to leave a comment before, but I don't really know what to say. I do want to tell you that your faith and strength amazes and inspires me. To be a better Christian, to be a better Mom...I pray for you two every time I read your posts. God surely has great things in store for you! Thank you for being so courageous and real with your posts. You truly are being used of the Lord! Blessings...
ReplyDeleteI read what you write every time you post and most times, can't comment because I remember so many of the same feelings and they are just too close to the surface and my heart still. They still hurt like yesterday and it's been 9 months.
ReplyDeleteBut I just had to let you know (because it means so much to me when others do this for me) that you and your husband have been so much in my prayers in these last weeks as your life moves even though you feel as your world has stopped.
I am now carrying my sweet boy's little brother, my own precious Luke, and not a day goes by when I am grateful for mine that I don't think of you and yours.
Many continued prayers from Maryland.
Hi K and B ... I've been following your story and I know how you feel because my daughter was born with HLHS. I thought I was the only one. I am a Christian though at times I wonder why b/c why would God do this to me. He must hate me, he wants me to leave his flock that's why he took my daughter away.? Or is he punishing me b/c I did not attend every Sunday or read the Bible daily like he told me to. Did he not think I'd be a good mother? Why??? I ask myself daily. I had a beautiful room and clothes ready for her just like you had for Luke. I took pre-natal vitamins daily,ate healty, read parenting/pregnancy books...but to no avail. I see teen moms, teen pregnancy, rape victims, one night stand pregnancies,moms going for abortions, welfare pregnant moms and families...I do not fit into any of these categories...I WANTED this baby so bad...I cry everyday for my daughter...When I read your blog, the tears run down my cheeks like waterfalls. Why would God do this to me???? TNA
ReplyDeletehis nursery is so beautiful! just like he was.
ReplyDelete