I choose to be victorious..

UPDATE: Doctor's appointment yesterday went well. Dr. Tabb was out of the office so we met with Dr. Fines instead. She was great but wasn't as familiar with our case as Dr. Tabb. She said the baby is doing great.. he scored an 8 out of 8 on his biophysical profile. However, he is a little on the smaller side on all of his growth percentiles. He weighs 4lbs and 15oz. She agreed after looking at his heart that it seemed to be a Hypoplastic Left Heart and once again, was immediately able to see that the left ventricle was present. Everything looked good and they will see me back next week.

This week marked a big change in the life of Benson and I as we resigned from our position as youth ministers at St. Andrew UMC. It was a really bittersweet night as we sat in the youth room for the last night with our "kids." The last four years I have spent with them have been the most rewarding of my life. I can remember the first time I brought Benson to youth after we had started dating...I remember calling and texting them telling them we were engaged. I remember all the nights where they were "convinced" that I was pregnant with a baby they lovingly named "Barry"...and I remember the day, not so long ago when I told them I was in fact pregnant. They have been one of the biggest parts of my life and always will be. However, as much as I love them I know it is time - time to end the chapter of my life as "youth minister" and become a "mother" to a precious baby boy. After loving those kids with my entire heart for so long, I can only imagine how much I will love him...I just hope he doesn't cause me as many sleepless nights, screaming fits and uncontrollable tears as they have - but for some reason, I feel that he will.

my life for the past four years...

My final lesson with them talked about something I have been dealing with lately --- how to deal with life when it doesn't give you what you want. We all have been there or will be there at some point. Something happens to us that is not fair - our parents divorce, our boyfriend cheats on us, we lose our job, we start to suffer from depression, a family member finds out they have cancer...our baby is diagnosed with a potentially fatal heart defect. Life just simply sucks sometimes and hands us a card that we wish we were never dealt. When faced with any hard situation, we all have a choice. A choice to either be a victim of our pain or to rise above it and be victorious.

We can choose to let our situation become an excuse for our negative behavior, to complain, to drink our problems away, to lay down and cry until we can't breathe, to dig ourselves a hole, crawl into it and never come out. We can allow bitterness to consume our hearts and curse God OR we can choose to let God use us in our pain, to rise above our circumstance, to cling onto hope and find joy in the midst of our anger.

The reality of our situation, no matter how bad it may seem, is this - Christ died on a cross so that we can have hope, so that we can have a life beyond this earth. He fought the battle against sin and death so that the VICTORY is already ours. In hard times, we can choose to be victorious...and by doing so, by giving our circumstances over to Christ --- we can be assured that no matter the outcome, the Lord will somehow be glorified through it all. We don't understand His Will, we were never meant to. There is nothing wrong with asking, "God, why me?" but we have to trust that God sees the bigger picture and though the sorrow may last through the night, JOY will come in the morning. In my life, no matter what happens to us or to Luke, I choose to let Christ be glorified, I choose to be victorious...and in that, I find peace.

I heard this song on the way home today and it spoke volumes to my heart...it is exactly where I am at this very moment.

MercyMe - Bring the Rain

I can count a million times

People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of

The dark clouds that may loom above

Because You are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me

By suffering Your destiny

So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy

Holy, holy, holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

Is the Lord God Almighty

-- Kristin

The day I became I mother...

April 27, 2010.

Benson and I wake up and head to Lexington to a new doctor we were being referred to for a high level ultrasound. The doctor had told us that we had nothing to worry about, that everything looked fine...they just wanted to double check since our little guy refused to let anyone in Campbellsville see all four chambers of his heart. Benson was worried (as usual) but I was confident that everything was fine; they were just milking my insurance...we would see our little boy, hear he was perfect and spend the rest of the day shopping. I had even planned a photography session that night, no big deal.

After getting to the doctor's office, we were surrounded by the most amazing medical staff. While waiting for the doctor to come in, we were put in a small, dimly lit room with one large painting on the far wall. It was a painting we had never seen before and as soon as we sat down, Benson stood up to take a closer look...It was of a doctor, sitting at his desk with a Bible laid over top of a medical record and Jesus standing behind him guiding him through an obviously difficult situation.

As we sat and talked about how awesome it was that our doctor had that picture in his office, I had little idea what that picture would mean to me by the end of the day. We were escorted back to an ultrasound room and were introduced to our doctor and the sweetest sonographer we had ever met. We laughed with them as our little boy bounced and turned on the screen. However, after several minutes...they began to get more serious, more focused on his little heart that beat right in front of us. I remember when the doctor said that something didn't look just right...I looked over at Benson as he covered his face with his hands. In that moment, I was scared.

Immediately, we were sent across the street to St. Joseph East to Claudine, a lady who specialized in echocardiograms on fetal hearts. Before walking over to the hospital, we went back and sat in the car and cried. At that point, we didn't know what to expect or what was going on. Would our baby live or die? Was this even fixable? We decided not to call our family until we knew more. Hand in hand, we walked to the hospital and filled out paperwork and sat for what seemed like days in a small waiting room. I remember begging, pleading with God in my mind...holding on to the hope that we would walk in and she would say that everything was fine, that she could see all four chambers and we could go home and go on with our lives.

Once we were back into the room, I laid down as Claudine gelled up my belly. I looked at the screen and saw this perfect little boy with two little feet and two little hands. As she took almost 100 pictures of his heart, I remember staring at the walls...I remember thinking about how just a few hours ago, the most important thing in my mind was how the colors in the nursery just HAD to coordinate perfectly with everything. How I spent hours in my mind envisioning what we would put on the shelves in his room, and how it was so important that I got a certain car seat and stroller. I remember obsessing over baby clothes and what he would and would not wear and spent hours researching what brand of diaper to buy. However, in that moment...laying on that table, holding my husband's hand...staring at a blank wall...I became a mother.

I realized that it didn't matter how many outfits my baby had in his closet, or if his bedding was the same shade of green as the walls. It didn't matter if my diaper bag had his name on it or if I got the right kind of bathtub...all that mattered was that little heart that flickered on that screen. The only thing that was important to me was that he was going to be okay. That day, my life stopped being about me and started being about my little baby boy. I knew that no matter what it took that Benson and I would do everything we could to make sure he was healthy and happy...even if that meant giving up our own lives to save his.

After the echocardiogram, we went back to the doctor's office and back into the room with the painting. Our doctor came in immediately and sat down with us and for the first time we heard the words "Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome." He explained that our son's heart didn't fully develop and that he wasn't sure he could see a left ventricle. We would need more ultrasounds, more tests, cardiologist appointments and possibly open heart surgeries after he was born. He told us not to get on the internet and to wait until we met with a pediatric cardiologist in Louisville the next day to ask questions. I remember the sonographer hugging me and telling me to have faith and the doctor holding my hand and telling me that everything would be okay. They performed an amniocentesis on me before we left...something that I never imagined I would have to do...that made me start having false contractions and cramping. We got into the car and cried together...it was a long, painful drive home but we never let go of each other hands. That day, we became more than partners, friends or lovers...we became parents...and despite the pain and overwhelming uncertainty that we had to face, we fell more in love with each other and more in love with the Lord.

That day, our son...our lives became that "difficult case" we saw in the painting. More than ever, we found ourselves in need of the guidance and direction of God for our baby's healing. We began to rely solely upon the grace and peace of God for our every breath, casting every care, every worry upon Him. We began to pray that Christ would be glorified through our son and through our testimony...that in every situation, no matter how bad, we would choose to praise His holy name. We began to claim that no matter what diagnosis we received that our trust would remain only in the Lord and that He alone knew our son and his heart. Instead of labeling our baby with a "syndrome," we chose to believe that the Lord was not making a mistake with his heart, but rather making a miracle. Today, we still believe that He is making that miracle....and today, we are stronger in our faith because of the life our son has already begun to live before he is even born.

-- Kristin

He Has a Name!

Yesterday was a HUGE day in the Sexton house. We finally arrived at a name for our son. Honestly, I thought he would not have a name until he was born. It wasn’t that we couldn’t find a name we liked, but that we had several that we really liked! However, atop all lists from day one was one name, Luke Aaron Sexton.

God gave me a verse last week and when I read it I was amazed. Luke 1:37 says, “For nothing is impossible with God.” I shared the verse with Kristin and we left it at that. Yesterday Kristin called me and said that she had prayed over the verse all morning and she knew 110% that our baby should be named Luke.

Let me break it down for you: God chose a man named Luke to spread His message and the life of Christ. Luke will be our 1st son. The pediatric cardiologist informed us that they will induce Kristin at 37 weeks. Is this cool or what???? However, it gets better! Luke 1:37 is referring to where the Angel of the Most High God is speaking with Mary about the conception of Jesus Christ. What a miracle!

Now, we are definitely not saying that our son is Jesus but we are saying that God still works miracles just the same. He gave me that verse and everything about it lines up with our situation. So, since Luke has been on top of our list from day one, and God has chosen to use that verse to comfort us in time of fear and anxiety, our son’s name will be Luke Aaron.

Also, you can’t spell Luke without UK!

Give God praise for the miracles in your life! They are all around you; all you have to do is take the time to see them!

-- Benson