Broken but blessed (part two)

If you know me, to say that I am a huge Angie Smith fan is a total understatement.

I know that just about every person who blogs has read Bring the Rain and knows Audrey Caroline's story. If you have ever lost a baby, you have probably read her book, "I Will Carry You." It is unfortunate that I even have to know who she is or relate to her the way that I do. However, so many of her words and explanation of Scripture have rocked my world these past 5 months. Seriously, the woman is crazy anointed. I swear I want to be just like her.. well, more a combination of her and Priscillar Shirer.. but that's another post for another day!

So anyway, this is a "borrowed" post from Angie that can be read in its entirety here. I felt that it was very appropriate to share how her words blessed my heart as a follow up to my previous post. It is a illustration that I think of so often...something so beautiful, so life-changing for me.

In her blog, Bring the Rain - this post is titled "The Past and the Pitcher". It discusses, in part, the days following Audrey's death and how Angie decided she would follow some advice she had read in a book about grieving the loss of a child. In the book, a therapist encourages those grieving to take something and break it. At first, Angie thought the idea was ridiculous but then the Lord began to speak to her heart that breaking something was exactly what she should do. So, she went to her cabinets, pulled out a perfectly good pitcher, walked outside onto her front porch, threw it on the ground and watched it shatter into pieces.

via Angie Smith



She waited a few minutes as she stood there in silence, staring at the broken pieces,

until God finally spoke to her heart...

Put it back together.

So, Angie took all the small pieces of porcelain inside and one by one, she glued them back together with a hot glue gun. Her fingers were burnt and bloody from handling the small, sharp pieces. She continued working until finally, the pitcher had been put back together once again.

via Angie Smith

Angie then writes these words that still bring tears to my eyes this day,

---

"And as I worked, He let me think about my past. Mistakes that I have long regretted. I began to realize that this pitcher was my life, and every piece was part of a story that He had chosen to put together. I started crying, and remembering things I thought I had forgotten. It took a long time to finish, but it was time well spent. Every nook and cranny whispered to me, until at last it stood in all its imperfection.

Here you are, Angie.

You are mended. You are filled with my Spirit, and I am asking you to pour yourself out.

The image of my life as a broken pitcher was beautiful to me, but at the same time, it was hard to look at all of the cracks.

I ran my fingers along them and told Him I wish it had been different. How I wished I had always loved Him, always obeyed Him, always sought Him the way I should. I was mad at the imperfections, years wasted, gaping holes where it should be smooth.

But God, my ever-gracious God, was gentle and yet convicting as He explained.

My dearest Angie. How do you think the world has seen me? If it wasn't for the cracks, I couldn't seep out the way I do. I chose the pitcher. I chose you, just as you are."

  ---

How beautiful is it to be broken? So many times, we must be broken before we can be shared...just as the body of Christ had to be broken before it could be given. God wants to use us not in spite of our brokenness, but because of it.
 
I realized the problem is that we ourselves have developed a mindset that what is broken is useless. We are quick to throw away things in our lives that have stopped working, have cracks or missing pieces. We find no use for them so they find a place in the trash instead of our lives.
 
Aren't you glad that Christ doesn't think of us that way?
Instead...the more we are broken, the more valuable we become to Him.
 
You see, God isn't the issue here - we are. We are the ones who look at that broken pitcher, the broken heart, the broken life...and we see all that is wrong, messed up, useless. We focus more on the broken pieces than we do the blessing inside. Yet, in between those cracks is something that has been restored, made whole again. Something that when filled up, can spill over and be given freely. Something beautiful. After all, God loves the gaps just as much, if not more than He loves the whole pieces. So, why don't we?
 
I have come across so many people who look at me with sad eyes. They tilt their heads to the side and shake their head, pat my hand and say..."Oh honey, I'm so sorry." I know they mean well. I know that they don't know what to say. I know their heart breaks for my loss. They look at me and see broken...yet, once they sit and talk with me awhile...once they see what God has done for me over these past five months...I hope that they don't see broken...I pray they see blessed. That is what I see when I look into the mirror today - but only because I choose to see my life that way, thanks to the grace and strength of my God.
 
Where are you today? Do you look at your life and just stare at the broken pieces? Do you hide your scars, your pain, your hurt - or do you allow God to use those cracked areas of your life to pour into you so that you can overflow into the lives of others?

After all, it is through those cracks-- the pains and mistakes that we are most ashamed of-- that the world can see a glimpse of the glory of God.

 
"The Lord Jesus, on the night he was betrayed, took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and said, “This is my body, which is broken for you; do this in remembrance of me.” - 1 Corin. 11:23-24
 
Thank you Jesus for being broken...for me.
Today, I rejoice in being broken...for You.

Broken but blessed.

The Lord has really put on my heart to share what we talked about during women's bible study last week. I know that a lot of people who read my blog are heart moms or moms of babies in Heaven. It was through praying for other moms whose blogs I follow that God revealed something so special to me in His Word. Something that has radically changed the way I feel about my situation and how to go about living life without Luke here.

Genesis 32:22-31

He was known as a deceitful man, one who did whatever it took to get his way. His name, Jacob, meant "supplanter, schemer, cheater; one who grabs from behind." Through his schemes, he had accumulated much wealth.  For many years he had been running from the truth but that night, he could not run any longer.

He had sent all of his wives, servants and company...everything he had across the Jabbok River and was left on the riverbank completely alone with his doubts, dreams and fears. He was troubled not only by his past, but also his future. The next morning he was to meet up with Essau, the brother that he had wronged and stolen from years ago. His brother was much larger and stronger than Jacob and as he thought more and more about his situation, fear began to sink into his heart. Surely, his brother would take everything from him or possibily even kill him. He needed some answers, some assurance as he faced the future and yet...that night, he sat completely alone.

It could have been that Jacob began to pray that night. In the agony of his soul, he cried out to God. Perhaps, for the first time in his life, Jacob earnestly began to wrestle in prayer...then, something happened. He was no longer alone by the riverside. It was as though he sensed that God was really present with him. God's presence and purpose became more and more real to him until, suddenly, He was real! His uplifted arms were actually clinging to God, Himself! There God was...flesh to flesh...bone to bone...in human form!

They wrestled through the night until the match reached a turning point...God touched Jacob in the hollow of his thigh and dislocated his hip joint. Suddenly, Jacob was weakened and immobilized. He yelled out in unbearbale pain as he stopped wrestling and started clinging!

You see, there is a difference between wrestling and clinging. To "wrestle" is to contend and fight for dominance. However, to "cling" is to hold on to, to grasp in desperation. Even though it hurt, even though he was broken beyond measure - Jacob refused to let go. Instead of crying out in pain and running the other direction, his grip tightened and his knuckles turned white holding onto this heavenly being. In that moment, the same God whom he had wrestled with all night became his answer to prayer, his only hope...his everything.

As morning dawn began to break, the pre-incarnate Christ instructed for Jacob to let go - however, Jacob responds back in a  life-changing way.

"I will not let you go until you bless me." - Genesis 32:26

God, in turn, blessed Jacob, not because He had to or was forced to, but because Jacob was finally ready to receive the blessing. "What is your name?" God asked. Yet what He was really asking Jacob was, "Who are you?" As Jacob clung on to Him in pain, he answered, "I'm Jacob, the schemer, the one who grabs from behind, the scared mama's boy, the con-man, the self-centered, self- serving, self-sufficient one!" Then God said, "Your name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for you have wrestled with God and prevailed." It was as if God was saying, "This is who you were...but because you have wrestled through your faith and prevailed, you will never be same."

This is the part I love...

God did not bless him by taking away Jacob's brokenness...even though that may have been what Jacob was asking for at the time. Instead, He blessed Jacob in a way that was unexpected by giving him a new name...a new purpose. From that night on, Jacob would forever walk with a limp...a physical reminder of both the brokenness and the blessing. His limp was outward sign to everyone who met him that he was changed. His physical pain must have been beyond measure and I am sure that every day, for the rest of his life, his hip would cause him great misery. Yet, I am sure that Jacob would gladly take the pain for the joy he received in being made new that night. To him, everything he would endure physically in the days to come, were worth it all for that one moment...that one touch. Jacob was forever broken, but he was also forever blessed.

I think about my life before Luke and the way that I viewed my faith and my relationship with Christ. I was strong, I thought that I had it all together. However, during the days of his diagnosis, birth and surgeries...I admit that I did my fair share of  wrestling with God. I began to pray, seek and question Him in a way that I never had before. Some days I couldn't help but be bitter and angry...after all, it was was MY baby that was sick, MY dreams that were fading away. Yet, God is faithful and understanding during our weakest times. He allowed me to be mad, to cry, to scream out at Him...He knew that it was in the battle that my faith began to grow stronger.

Then, the morning light came on July 10th, 2010. Luke's condition had worsened and I knew that it was time to let go...yet the mother inside of me wanted to hold on even tighter. Finally, that night as Luke left my arms, I felt as if Christ literally reached down and touched me. Oh, did it hurt!...but even in my pain, even in the agony of losing my sweet baby...I found myself holding on to Jesus tighter than I ever had before. Now, five months later, I still have not let go. The pain is still there and  I still wake up each day with an ache in my heart for a baby I will never see grow. My heart literally hurts so bad at times it is all I can do not to scream out in pain. Luke is gone and because of his absense, I am forever wounded - yet forever changed...forever blessed.

Blessed.

If it weren't for Luke's story...I would not see my life the way that I do today. I would not love this deeply. I would not pray this hard. I would not be as bold with my faith as I am. I would not wake up every day ready to change the world. I am forever changed...forever blessed.

God showed me through this Scripture to look at my brokenness, not as a pain or thorn in my side...but as my very own life-changing blessing. To realize that I will always be broken and instead of trying to fix my brokenness - that I should accept it as a part of who I am and will always be. To embrace my tears, my aches, my bad days knowing that as much as I am broken, I am equally blessed. My brokenness and blessing will continue coexist, side by side the rest of my life; there will never be one without the other...and that is okay with me.

What you speak into your life is what you will get back out of it. So often, we allow satan to be glorified in our lives by focusing more on what we do not have instead of giving God glory for all that is ours. I could live life every day thinking about the son that I don't have - but instead, I find peace in giving God glory for giving me not just a son...but a blessing that has forever changed my life. I encourage you...instead of crying out constantly to God about your brokenness, be changed in praising Him for your blessing. They are, after all...so often one in the same.

My prayer every day this week has been..."God, I'm not letting go...I'm not giving up. Even when its hard and even when it hurts, I choose to hold on to you. I will not let go until you bless me."

And sure enough, He has... and He is.

He wants to bless you too. Don't let go, don't give up...no matter how hard it may seem right now. Sometimes life's greatest blessings come when you wake up and realize that being broken can be breathtakingly beautiful.

Happy 5 months Luke!

Today marks 5 months since our sweet baby boy was born.

It is hard to believe that it has been five months. Everyday I think about what Luke would be doing if he was here...what I would be buying him for Christmas...what his personality would be like...or who he would look like. When you have a baby that is in Heaven, it's very easy to get lost in the "what if's" and eventually fall deep into the sadness of a life you will never fully know. So instead of focusing on what isn't, I remind myself each day to be thankful for what was...his long skinny legs, crooked toes, head full of hair. Even with a broken heart, my baby was perfect. There was and is so much to be thankful for.  I carried him, I gave birth to him, I held him in my arms. He was here and he was mine.

So, today...I celebrate.
Happy five months little man...we love you more than ever.